The wall beside the bed in my room is a light grey. A pleasant color might I say. On it, is five holes from where I had previously nailed pictures. On it, there are three scratches that I can see. And on it, there’s a good bit of scuff marks at the bottom. Although, the more I sit here and stare, another default that I didn’t see the first time appears. As pleasant as the wall may seem, the longer I examine it, the more the rough edges I see.
This wall and I share a lot in common. At a glance, you could look at me and think congenially. However, if you take time to examine me, you will quickly find that I have some holes in my life, a few scratches, and a good bit of scuff marks. And as congenial I may seem, the longer you examine, the rougher edges you’ll see.
I’m in my second year of ministry school, I have two parents who are still together that love and support me, I have strong friendships that care for me, I have a bright future ahead of me, while having more than I need provided for me. How can one be so despondent and lost, they say?
What I don’t understand is that I turned from everything towards Jesus, passionately pursuing Him. And yet I find myself today, feeling as if I never turned towards Him, in a concentrated stare at the wall. How can one be so despondent and lost, they say?
It’s scary to have been in such a pursuit of Jesus and then to look at yourself and not even be recognizable. The longer I sit and evaluate each piece of my life, the more unsatisfied I am.
How does one get to this point? Could it be that my foundation in Christ was not yet established the way I had thought? Maybe I was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or is it possible there was different path I was suppose to be taking than ministry? Or the big question that has been in the back of my head; is God even real and I have just been foolish and blinded to it all?
If you’ve ever been in this place I am currently in, I have such compassion for you. Because there’s almost no words for it. It’s like you know what you once had with God, but now you feel as if there’s nothing. It’s like you thought you were good and on the right path, but now everything is debatable and questionable.
Yet, through it all, the concept that I can’t comprehend is that in my heart, I know that God is good. Even when everything else tells me different.
No, I don’t have the perfect ending to this post of my thoughts. But, deep in my heart I know God is surely faithful. And I know He will lift whoever, including myself, out of the place that they’re in.
Why? Because He is God. And He always has been, and He always will be. Even when the image of Him is faint, or even more, when you feel you’ve turned the opposite way. He is still God. And in my heart, I know that He is good.