The Disfavor-able Pool of Emotions

Okay, one step in front of the other. Faster. Come on Hope, let’s get out of here. Don’t make eye contact, don’t stop, just go. I know you’re out of breath but you’re almost there. Just a little faster, and just a little longer. Just whatever you do, don’t look back. Just go. KEEP GOING HOPE YOU GOT THIS.

Yeah.. that’s me. Running away from my feelings. Running away from my problems. Pretty much just running away from life.

I hate facing the sad realities. I hate facing the gut wrenching misconceptions. I hate facing the loss of a dream. I really hate facing the mushy gushy infatuation for a handsome fella. I hate facing the agonizing pain of a distanced friendship.

Anything, I hate facing emotions so much that at times I have done an exceptional job at convincing myself that I simply don’t have emotions. No really. Any time an emotion creeps up on me – Nope. No no no. No. I sweep it under a carpet and make myself forget. Only to have all these emotions fly out under all at once a few months later and smack me right in the face. Sometimes, I deal with them and other times, back under the carpet they go.

I don’t know why I do that. And it drives me up the wall. And if you’re reading this waiting for my profound spiritual/logical reasoning as to why I scamper away from emotions, then I’m sorry but I don’t have a clue.

Even supposing I run from emotions, I still have them – and to me, that’s a sad reality within itself. But nevertheless, I am human.

And I am slowly learning that as much as I like to think I can go about life with a colorful and giddy perspective,

as much as I like to think I can solely focus on the good and never pay a hint of attention to the bad,

and as much as I like to think that when things don’t go as I planned it just means to keep going forward and figure something else out along the way,

I can’t. It’s not even culturally possible.

I believe it’s so necessary to have a joyful heart and a pure perspective on life, but I am slowly learning that even if it sucks, it’s also necessary to acknowledge the not so good and make yourself deal with it however that may look like. Because you know, it is life. And life is beautiful – but life is not faultless.

I believe with whatever is thrown at you, or with whatever is changed right before your eyes, it’s crucial to always have the attitude to keep moving forward. But, I am slowly learning that at times, when things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t always mean to sprint off forward and figure something else out. But rather, you gotta get over your pride and go back and see what went wrong.

Do I still run from my emotions? Well of course I try to. But lately, every time I’ve tried it’s like there’s been an elastic band tied around my waist. I feel the emotion creeping up so I take off running but I only get so far. Then I get tired and stop resisting the pull and suddenly I’m jerked back into the pool of emotions and I really have no choice but to suck it up and just deal with it because I had exhausted myself.

So if I have a word of advice to ya, embrace the crappy process of emotions. It’s healthy. It sucks, but it’s healthy. Take a step back to evaluate all that is going on and let yourself accept it. Because the more you run, the more you have to deal with later on. And I am quickly learning that it is not too fun.

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