You can’t play with fire and expect it not to incinerate. There’s some things, and some people you just simply can’t invest your heart into – as much as you want to, you can’t. If you’re anything like me then you can understand how hard this is to some people. I love people. There’s something about listening and trying to understand every individuals story – where they come from, what they’re going through, what their dreams are. To really listen and hurt with them or to really listen and get excited with them. Oh my, it thrills me. And it’s so wild because I use to be the most flagrantly depressed little person who trembled at the thought of even speaking to somebody. I say ‘person’ so abruptly now, because it took me a long time to recognize that I was a person. A person who had feelings, and a person who had a voice.
I had been through more than a sixteen year old girl should have been through to where I was terrified to speak out loud. I walked around quiet, always observing but quiet. And through the madness it took a fight of me unclenching my fists to let Jesus hold my hands and tell me it’s okay. To reach wayyyy into myself and take hold of my battered heart, and then handing it to Him asking Him to please not mind the scars. He reconstructed me. In the best of ways. I love people now. If you know me now then you know I am always jumping from person to person trying to be their number one fan. And now, it would never cross your mind that I use to be scared of people. That’s why I share it, because I have a story too and I don’t have it all together. So, if you’re anything like me then you can understand how hard this it is to not invest your time into anybody and everybody.
I’ve seen it one too many times, in my own life too. Pouring yourself out to people who ultimately drain you in the end. Pouring yourself out with the hopeful expectation that things will progress for them, but then it doesn’t and you’re left empty. So I write from experience. A lot say it’s selfish, and say it makes you fake. But I say it’s reality of the essence. Letting go of people, letting go of habits, and letting go of the desires of your heart that you want so bad but know aren’t good for you makes the heart go numb for a minute. Kind of feels like the weight of plaintive memories and disdain thoughts has taken a seat on top of you for it’s home to where you can’t get up because it’s just that heavy.
But – in the process of pushing yourself up in the midst of pain, it strengthens you and gives you the stance to look back and nod your head because you took the turn now rather than when it was too late. Because let me tell you, the pain of letting things go is nothing compared to the pain of keeping them and watching yourself fall. There’s just some things you can’t coincide with, and that’s okay. You aren’t a bad person for taking care of yourself. And that solid truth has taken me three years to grab hold of.
I don’t apologize anymore for not going to the party. And it’s so freeing. I’m not sorry that I don’t want that anymore. I don’t apologize for not dating the incredibly handsome man who doesn’t love Jesus. I’m not sorry for having the foundation of Jesus my top priority for relationships. I don’t apologize anymore for not being who I use to be. I don’t apologize for my quirks and wearing my scars on my sleeve for everyone to see. I don’t apologize for having values and sticking true to them.
You aren’t a bad person for doing what you can to make yourself healthy. For having your voice crack at the painful heartbreak you aren’t ready to talk about. For putting your foot down to do what is best for YOU even when it might cause temporary pain to the other person. You’re important too ya know. You aren’t a bad person for having values. For having to say no. For having take a step back and reevaluate your friendships. You aren’t a bad person for some days wanting to be small. And for other days wanting to be big to show off how big our God is. You aren’t a bad person for taking care of yourself the way you ought to. If anything, you’re an inspiration that more people look up to than you know. There’s just some things you can’t coincide with, and that’s okay. You aren’t a bad person for taking care of yourself.