There once was a time in my life where I would tuck away any emotion that came my way and I would shove it under my bed where all my other junk camped out. With decisions I had made myself, and other circumstances where I lost my grip at the wheel, I ended up experiencing more than what I should have at a defining age in life. Resulting in a timid young girl wandering around with shaky knees frightened at the thought of unfamiliar people. I didn’t know the first thing about confidence, and I believed acceptance was just a counterfeit pep rally. The first attachment I experienced was fooled and shattering. Where touch was simply a cover up to deceit, and love was something that bruised you. I learned though, at a young age – when I love, I love with everything I have. And so when the relationship parted ways, as did my entirety of well being.
There once was a time in my life where every step hurt. I walked around with knives in my back from dear past friends, unknowing that I was the one who had to build up the strength to remove them. Because in life, you have to learn to forgive an apology you’re never going to receive. I remember the mornings where I could get myself out of bed, and I would clothe myself in the unhanded truth that who I am is who I’m with. The days I went to school, people frightened me. I got along with whoever I wanted because I would conform myself into their status. But the feeble truth is that I was unendingly exhausted. Trying on new characteristics a thousand times a day and having your heart race every time someone speaks to you because words are something your lips are not allies with. Drowning.
There once was a time in my life where I became confident that I was always going to be how I was. Confident and head strong in the fact that wholeness only existed in a tipsy mindset with a shaky substance. Confident that I was confident in my mess.
But over these years, oh, over these years I have learned. For the one who feels like your feet can never find solid ground to stand on – it’s okay. For the one who is trying to tip toe through their existence because no one sees you anyways – we see you, and we love you. For the one who everyone always thought was whack because you’ve had dreams that are wildly impossible to the human eye, that’s more than okay. And for the one who blinks really fast and starts to tremble at the thought of success, you are just as capable as anybody else. It takes sinking, stepping over the shattered pieces of your old self and taking really big leaps onto new territory all before you seem to find stability.
You aren’t in this by yourself, even though we all try to hide sometimes and seep into the conformity of what’s easy. If all you’ve ever known is failure, that’s great. That’s all I knew too, but then I got to know a God who only knew success. And he taught me all about it. Especially in the times where I literally tripped over myself trying to run away, He was there painting a picture of what was ahead. And it got me every time. And He’s doing that for you too. You CAN do this. You ARE loved. Keep moving forward. Keep going.
There’s people rooting for you that you don’t even know about, I promise.