I remember the days that confusion consumed my being. As if night followed any direction that I went. I remember the constant headache of tears and the blank stare at the wall. I love everybody, I really do. But it’s rare to invest my whole heart into someone. And I remember pulling knives out of my back from the very people who held my heart. I remember when every whisper felt like a shout. I remember when the sun was merely a memory. I remember watching people walk in and out of my house with my things that I didn’t want to sell to them. I remember juggling three jobs when Lord knows I can hardly handle one. It sounds like the basic Christian storybook saying this, but I remember laying under all this clutter everyday wondering how and if things were ever going to get better. But, I remember His hidden faithfulness in every ache.
I remember in the darkest of days, He was right there with the biggest grin on His face saying, “I told you I have you, and I meant it.” I remember when by the human eye, there was absolutely no way my feet would still be standing. But I remember how He provided just enough each time. I remember clenching onto His hand tighter than I ever have because He was the only thing holding me up, and He was always there. I remember discovering Jesus as a sweet, sweet friend. I remember Him unfolding his heart and allowing me to see depths I never could have seen if 2017 didn’t happen.
2016 was all about my heart being struck open and squeezing my eyes shut to my disaster I caused myself. But through all of it, I learned that there is nothing better than Jesus. And I will hold onto that tighter than anything till my time has come. Now 2017 is ending, and through all the aches and through all the nothings, I learned that I’ve always had everything – and that there is nothing better than Jesus. The Lord has allowed me to have my life a lot more together than I did when I was 16, but even so, I’m still very much human. And because of that, I will tell you that this year has been the hardest year of my life and many times I almost threw the towel in.
But what I have learned, is that we mistake the darkest places for being brutally buried. When all along, God is having us graciously planted. I don’t know a lot of things. A lot of people say that but they’re usually exaggerating. I really don’t know a lot of things, but one thing I am certain of is that the aches in the dark, are somehow and someway going to be the best things that ever happened to you. Not the pain of it, but the outcome. And looking back, I would do it all over again.
So hang in there, my friend. 2018 is going to be a year of new beginnings.