I am that girl who didn’t know she would speak her mind way more than she should. But who would fumble over her feet to speak her heart. I am that girl who didn’t know she would think lightly. But who would feel everything with the great intensity. I am that girl who didn’t know her honest feet would be born into incongruity. But who would one day sever it step by step. I am that girl who didn’t know she would recklessly wear her heart on her sleeve, perhaps too much at times. But who would learn how to be okay with her ‘too much.’
I am that girl who didn’t know she would trip more than she sprints. I am that girl who didn’t know she would be taught to throw the uncomfortable in boxes, and to belligerently tape them shut. I am that girl who didn’t know she would have unreasonable family issues. But who would one day choose to walk a different path. I am that girl who didn’t know her distress would be her greatest gift. But who would one day find a way to use it.
I selfishly bleed annoyance at the fact that in my twenty years of life, I feel as if I have books to share about what not to do in life. About the really tough times that no one talks about – because no one wants to admit that maaaybe just maybe they might actually be human. About the time they lost everything over a short coming. About the time they didn’t have a clue of how to handle life. Or the time where they didn’t have it in them to keep going.
Those are the only kind of times that want to stand up in my soul to be heard. I don’t care about the times I gracefully got it right. Or the times where life panned out in my favor. Those were nothing but of a short breath of fresh air. Then it was gone. I know all about the mess and half of the time I am living in the mess searching for the way out once again.
I really think too often we fail to remember that sometimes it’s not our fault with how life happens. Sometimes it is not our fault the way were raised and the things we were taught growing up. We can’t help certain things, but oh my friend, we can choose to change them. I grew up being taught how to spot out all the chaotic things in life and throw them in a box to tape up a thousand more times than needed so no one had to look at it.
So no one could see the things we hadn’t figured out yet and really, the things we didn’t want to figure out yet. So no one could see the quirks about us we hadn’t learned to uphold. The really big beat-up pieces of life, I was taught to take those things that at a stance, are shameful, and shove as much as we could into a box. Then to run and tuck it away in a room that no one would ever go in.
I am that girl who didn’t know a lot of things, and who quite frankly, still doesn’t know a lot of things. But I am so happy to be that girl. And what I’m learning is to go in and begin peeling off the layers of tape on all my boxes. To pull out everything I have been taught to keep closed off. To open back up what I never knew were gifts, and hang them on the wall for any set of eyes to see.
To walk in a way that only points up to the Lord. Because He took and used what was never meant to be good, and He blew people’s minds with it. Including mine. That girl, I am that girl who chose to open back up the boxes. And I wouldn’t change that girl.