My heart has been running frantically in every direction, every day. I’ve watched it run one direction and hit the wall. Then run the other direction, and hit the wall. I watched as it chose to isolate itself away from any interaction, but then I watched as it settled in that being unaccompanied broke a nerve.
Today, I felt it stop in its tracks out of breath. And I felt as it slowly walked to the center of the box it put itself in, and kneeled down. I felt as it began to pull out everything it had shoved deep.
I don’t know if you’re into metaphors, but I live by them. I’m also not sure if anyone reads these posts anymore, and if not, then maybe it’s just for me. But more than anything I’ve experienced in my life, I am learning how to swallow my own faults and decisions my human feet didn’t mean to make.
I am learning to let my heart go distraught so I can see the condition it’s actually in and not cover it up by what my emotions are feeling in just a moment.
I am learning that there are many things I have done that I could hold against myself, because in the human eye – I ought to. And sometimes, I do. And in those times it becomes too weighty and my knees can’t hold my ache up, so we all hit the ground together. But I am learning to know the God who was already on the ground before I hit it. The one who was already there with the holy kindness to pick me up with Him.
I am learning how to go back and dig up trees I planted with my own hands. And learning to not put something in their place. That in some seasons, empty does not mean forsaken.
I am learning a part of God’s heart I had never met before. And I learned that only comes from going through something I had never gone through before. Throbbing or favorable, I have learned He is in both.
More than anything, I am learning to see God in everything. And that is the only thing that prepared a way for my heart to sit down.